I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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