"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
