i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
