so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
