Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
ttyl tear gas
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
