Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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