She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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