I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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