it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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