My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
