if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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