Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
