Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
