I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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