Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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