called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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