Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
