Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
