I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
