My boss' voice literally gives me gas
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
