I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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