A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
