All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
