Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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