Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The best revenge is premature balding
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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