ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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