Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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