Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
