Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Did you just see the Batmobile???
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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