You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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