I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
