What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
