When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
