You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
