I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
