Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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