I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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