I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
