Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
