do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
