I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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