I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
