Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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