So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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