Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
