The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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