He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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