tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
