I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
