So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
