I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
