so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
