Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
