i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
