I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
