I wish you could order shots online.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
