I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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