My room smells like vodka and shame
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
