my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
