I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
